


rescue my heart

by themoongirl



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:53:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21727078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoongirl/pseuds/themoongirl
Summary: Robbe hears Sander’s heartbeat.It’s the first indication that something is off.(AKA, how Robbe handles Sander's panic attacks now that he's aware Sander is bipolar.)
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 16
Kudos: 611
Collections: Skam Belgium (Wtfock) ▶ Sander Driesen / Robbe Ijzermans





	rescue my heart

There are certain memories that plague Robbe worse than others. 

A much shorter version of himself sitting at the top of the stairs and listening to his mother and father scream bloody murder. The first time his mom had an episode and Robbe could just tell she wasn’t seeing him, her eyes glazed over and hands trembling. Sander’s face right before Robbe left him outside of his flat. The way his hands trembled when he unlocked his bike as four guys advanced on him when moments before he had felt infinite in Sander’s arms.

Sander’s eyes when he talked about marriage for the first time. Followed by an ambulance, Britt’s glare, and google definitions of bipolar.

Sometimes, it keeps Robbe up at night, those horrible weeks. Like an embarrassing memory that you just can’t shake. He cringes at everything he could have done differently. 

But Robbe has an undeniable trust in the universe. A trust that grew stronger after it brought Sander back to him. A trust that _says everything will be okay no matter what happens._

This trust doesn’t stop him from reflecting, though. Reflecting on how to change his ways moving forward.

The first promise to himself was that he would never become Britt. He would never look at any of Sander’s interests as mania. He would never look at Sander as his mental illness, and above all else, he would always let Sander speak for himself. 

-

Robbe enjoys the moments when he’s the big spoon, but tonight is not one of those nights. Tonight, his head is tucked into Sander’s neck, Sander’s arm around him. Sander had been kissing the top of Robbe’s head every few minutes before he stopped. Robbe assumes he fell asleep. He breathes gently, Sander’s homely smell consuming him. He listens to the faint sound of cars driving past every few minutes, thinks about everything the world has to offer and how undeniably happy he is to be right here, right now.

Robbe can also hear Sander’s heartbeat.

It’s the first indication that something is off.

At first Robbe assumes he is having a dream, until he lifts his head to see that Sander’s eyes are wide open and he’s staring at the ceiling. His face is frozen.

Robbe knows better than to panic. He stays where he is and lifts his hand to cup Sander’s face.

“Hey you,” Robbe says, stroking his thumb across Sander’s cheek. “Everything okay?”

Sander’s eyes stay on the ceiling, moving back and forth occasionally. “My chest hurts.”

Robbe sits up, crossing his legs. “Want to sit up?”

Sander, still avoiding eye contact, slowly sits up as well. He grimaces before tucking his face into his knees and pulling at his hair.

Robbe places a hand on Sander’s back and traces his spine. It always takes a minute to get Sander to speak, if he wants to at all. Robbe has to be patient to get to the root of the problem. If there is one. Sometimes, it’s nothing, just the chemical imbalance in Sander’s brain. Other times, something triggered it. One thought leads to the next and suddenly Sander is spiralling. Robbe knows to ask questions. To notice Sander’s breathing. To be aware of when they need to simply sit in silence.

The chest hurting is the first sign that Sander needs to talk, because something has made him anxious.

But Robbe also knows, from history, what the most common cause is.

“Hey,” Robbe says. “Hey, look at me.”

Sander slowly lifts his head. His eyes are wide.

Robbe spreads Sander’s legs slightly so that he can fit between them. He crosses his legs and gives Sander a smile as he takes Sander’s hand and places it on his heart.

Robbe doesn’t need to tell him what to do, having been here before. Sander knows that Robbe is asking him to try to match their heartbeats, Sander’s own probably going a mile a minute. Sander’s eyes fill with tears, and Robbe has to stop his from doing the same. Nothing breaks Robbe more than seeing Sander cry, but he also knows how important it is that he does. Sander being vulnerable with him was of vital importance. Giving how their relationship started, with so many secrets that were the root cause for their heartbreak.

“I’m not going anywhere, you know that right?” Robbe whispers.

Sander doesn’t nod, he doesn’t shake his head or say anything. But his eyes get sadder, and Robbe knows Sander’s mind is betraying him again.

“Sander?” Robbe squeezes the hand that is over Robbe’s heart. “Feel that. It beats for you.”

The reality is that Britt fucked him up. Hard. And Robbe has had to see the aftermath of it all.

_“Maybe I’m scared that I will never find someone. At least no one who’ll love me.”_

Sander believed himself to be unloveable for a very long time. He didn’t feel listened to, he didn’t feel seen, he didn’t feel understood. Britt saw so many innocent things as mania. His love for Bowie, his love for Robbe. She saw Sander as a problem, someone to be fixed. Britt saw herself as brave and strong for “dealing” with Sander every day. She stole Sander’s voice, made him feel that his mental illness made him incapable of love because it was too much to handle. It made others live’s a mess. 

Britt never understood that all Sander really needed was for someone to love him.

“You’re loved,” Robbe’s voice cracks. “I love you. So much.”

Sander exhales shakily, a single tear rolling down his cheek. “I love you too. I’m sorry, I trust you-“

“I know,” Robbe smiles, wiping his tear. “I know you do. It’s not your fault.”

Sander often felt guilty for needing a lot of reassurance. He didn’t want Robbe to feel that he didn’t trust his love.

Sander rests his forehead against Robbe’s and closes his eyes, his hand still over Robbe’s heart like a lifeline. 

“I mean, I love you in every universe, there’s no escaping me,” Robbe says, trying for a joke. 

Sander smiles and softly kisses Robbe’s lips. 

They sit in this moment for a few minutes. Occasionally kissing, sometimes looking at each other. Robbe waits, examining the flush of Sander’s cheeks and the light coming back into his eyes. He strokes a thumb over Sander’s hand still resting on his heart until Sander drops it into his lap.

“I think I’m okay,” Sander finally says, his voice weak. “I don’t think I can sleep now, though.”

Robbe gets the message. “I’m kind of hungry.”

“No, you go back to sleep, I’ll just-“

“You want me to go to bed hungry?” Robbe gasps. “How dare you.”

Sander smirks, and Robbe’s heart flutters, relief overpowering him.

“Mmm, and I suppose you want me to cook?” Sander mocks disappointment. “What are we going to do with you, Ijzermans?”

“ _We_ are doing nothing,” Robbe gets up and walks towards the door. “ _You_ are making me croques.”

Sander follows him, placing a kiss on his cheek. “I make one good croque and suddenly that’s all you ever crave.”

And it’s that’s simple. Well, it’s not exactly simple, but it works for them, what they have going. Sander makes the croques while Robbe watches and makes him laugh. Robbe sees the dark circles under Sander’s eyes and how he stares a little too hard at the fridge light, but he knows he’s still coming out of the panic. Sander doesn’t need someone to point these things out. After the panic, all Sander needs is Robbe. They kiss between every joke, Sander almost burns his masterpiece because he gets distracted by Robbe’s stare. And it works.

It’s home. It’s the kind of love that has been lived in every other existing universe. It gets hard, but never hard enough to truly damage the foundation of their love for each other. Because they understand each other on a deeper level than anyone will ever understand.

It’s home.


End file.
